Ask Molly RingwaldLife and style This article is more than 9 years oldAsk Molly Ringwald: my daughter has no friends, and I’m worried
This article is more than 9 years old‘One of the hardest things to accept as a parent is that our kids will have to figure things out on their own as they go – just as we did – and that sometimes it will hurt. You can’t live your daughter’s life for her’
My 20-year-old daughter has no friends. She has been bullied her whole life for being too thin, and it has given her low self-esteem. What can I do to help raise her confidence? She’s lonely. She works and attends school, but is too quiet and can’t make friends. I worry about her. I’ve tried many things, but she seems not to want help or to spend time with me. What can I do?
It’s understandable that you worry about your daughter: it’s part of our job description as mothers. Do they make friends, will they learn to read, will that lisp ever go away, when will she stop wearing the cat ears and the tail and saying “meow” instead of “hello”? From the moment my kids were born, I fretted over the timing of their every milestone; every little quirk opened a Pandora’s box of imagined future calamities in my over-anxious mind. The danger is that this kind of worry can obscure moments of real satisfaction.
When our children are in their formative years, we do everything we can to give them the social skills that they’ll need to succeed in life and be happy, but we are only guides. They are their own people, their own little islands. One of the hardest things to accept as a parent is that our kids will have to figure things out on their own as they go –just as we did – and that sometimes it will hurt. You can’t live your daughter’s life for her. Maybe she is lonely, or maybe she is an introvert and prefers it that way. If she doesn’t, then she will have to be the one to transform her life.
It seems you’ve made it more than clear you are available for her, and she is lucky to have someone in her life who cares about her as deeply as you do. However, your approach might be counter-productive in terms of raising her self-confidence. I once had a friend who struggled with social anxiety and depression. She tended to isolate herself, as your daughter does, and in an effort to help her I wrote long and heartfelt letters detailing my worry. I also phoned way too often, smothering her with what another friend called my “vortex of good intentions”. Finally, she let me know that my worry was cloying and that it actually made her feel worse, not better.
If your daughter wants your help, you have to trust that she will come to you. And when she does, try to enjoy what you love about her, instead of seeing her as something that needs to be fixed.
Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com
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